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Thursday, January 1st, 2009
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5:10 am - New Years Resolutions
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I have to get ready for work, but one of my resolutions is to actually write my thoughts down... somewhere. And what better place than here?
Others include:
* Cutting out fastfood (Even though I work there)
* Cutting out Soda
* Quit Smoking
* Quit Drinking
* Change life-style habits (gotta do more cleaning)
* Quitting my job and finding a better one.
* Finally start writing down ideas for a book and following it through
* Get a car & a liscense
* Get around to marriage
* Spend a lot less time on the computer
That's some of them, at least. It's a new year, and it's time for me to start acting like an adult.. and a father.
current mood:  groggy
current music: Baby monitor - sounds of my sleeping family
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| Monday, July 2nd, 2007
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2:34 pm - Hrm... dare I?
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Should I dare re-enter the world that is or once was the emo-capital of the world... LiveJournal?
I sit here, toying with the thought... which is almost humorous considering that this is in of itself a post.
I originally closed this journal because there was just way too much conflict going on in my life, and I thought that by closing this the drama would go away. I then turned to attempting to write in a hand-written journal, but time constraints and bad penmanship led to me leaving that alone. But I feel that I may need to re-emerge myself into the online world of blogging in an attempt to clear the thoughts from my head and, if nothing else, try to maintain a daily journal of the comings and goings of my day-to-day life.
If I do go through with this then all lyrics that I write down will be LJ-Cut so as to keep the page from being cluttered.
We'll see how I feel about it later. I need to get to cleaning up the apartment while Amy's gone. And then see if I've the energy in me to go out running and try again to get more into shape before I am fully enlisted and whisked away off to boot-camp.
Adieu~
Chris
current mood:  pensive
current music: Linkin Park - What I've Done
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| Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
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5:04 am - Final Adieu
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Times have brought happiness and sorrows, most of which I've been willing to express here in this journal.
Not that it's that much of a suprise, but I'm hereby closing this journal. I used to feel a sense of relief in putting to word what illnesses plagued my mind... and my heart. But it's been harder and harder to do so, and now I'd almost rather keep all of the raw emotion that's built up inside of me locked away. Very few people do I confide my troubles to any more; a list that is ever steadily decreasing in size. To everyone who has helped me, in one form or another, throughout the tenure of this journal, I bid you my sincerest gratitude. To anyone who has ever said anything negative, I hope you die in a bright and hot fire. To everyone else who has quietly observed yet didn't speak, I have a respect for voyeurs but urge you to find that which brings you happiness and proclaim so openly.
In the ever infamous words... goodbye.
-Chris
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| Saturday, February 18th, 2006
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5:58 am - Can't Sleep
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From grace she fell beneath the ashes
That forced her to her knees
Cut her open wide
To bleed her body dry of feeling
The wounds will form no scars
Only memories
Tearing at the scars, she's open wide
Screaming 'til her lungs collapse (INSIDE)
Behind her cold and vacant eyes,
The innocence that dies inside. (DIES INSIDE)
The tears that line her face.
The anguish
The taste that haunts her lips
Closing loveless eyes
To bleed her body dry the feeling
Of breath escaping lips
Closing lifeless eyes.
Tearing at the scars, she's open wide
Screaming 'til her lungs collapse (INSIDE)
Behind her cold and vacant eyes,
The innocence that dies inside. (DIES INSIDE)
She dies inside.
She dies inside.
She dies inside...
Tearing at the scars, she's open wide
Screaming 'til her lungs collapse (INSIDE)
Behind her cold and vacant eyes,
The innocence that dies inside. (DIES INSIDE)
Tearing at the scars and now she's open wide
A broken bitter heart that's stained in black
Behind her cold and vacant eyes.
Her innocence that dies inside.
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| Friday, February 3rd, 2006
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4:38 am - The "much out of date" post.
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For anyone who's been wondering, yes, I am still here. Though not exactly in the form I left, nor for very much longer.
Tomorrow, after ensuring that Gwen (we'll use Gwen for now) is safely at work and managing to survive her day with the little bit of sleep she's now getting, my computer is being turned off, modem unplugged & returned, and again will I vanish into plain sight. My equipment on Lineage has been given to Gwen for whatever use she deems them neccessary, and my account already deactivated. She has promised to merely "borrow" the items until I return, also promising to upgrade said equipment to make my return that much more enjoyable. Though to be honest, I really stopped enjoying the game itself a long time ago. The only things that really kept me in it for as long as I did was the society-structure the game had created, the inevitable return of Alex to the game, and the crazy Canadian whom I find myself willing to do whatever for, Gwen. Though I suppose the latter statement to be the truest of them all.
I have currently had an offer of $750 or more to buy my account, stripped of all, so as for me to escape the pseudo-reality of the Lineage game world. However, for as great as it would be for me to drop the game and move on with life, I rejected the offer, and flat-out told the person that they could offer me a blank check and I'd still refuse. Not for my enjoyment of the game, not to see all of the new things that have yet to come out into the game, not even for the few people who would be sad to see me leave the game; not for any of those things. My one lingering attatchment to the game is Gwen. And nothing made that more clearer than tonight as I was emptying all I possessed into her care.
If anyone who reads this did in fact read my last post, then it should be pretty clear that that person and Gwen are one in the same. And yes, though I did say that I could not bring myself to tell her anything that I feel towards her, I suppose that if there were any truth to me not wanting to tell her, I wouldn't have posted such a private thing onto an open journal, knowing full-well that it wouldn't take her long to read over and put the two together. And if she does read it, which I suppose is my ultimate goal in writing this (besides expressing my thoughts and feelings), I'm fully ready to take whatever she has to say about it. I have made it as painfully clear, without out-right saying so, my feelings towards her and have expressed all that I could express to make those feelings known. Hell, I've even gone as far as to express those feelings to the point that I've proposed (at least) to her in-game. Not with just a proposal, but with also something personal. A while ago, Gwen and I were out at an area by a lake doing our usual grinding of experience, but she was having a rough day from what I could tell. So in an effort to cheer her up, while she went away from the computer for a while, I stood there for what seemed like forever drawing out what was supposed to be a rose. The rose did it's purpose and did in fact cheer her up. So hoping she remembered that instance, I went to that same spot that I drew the rose, and redrew it. This time in much greater detail and even some colour. Had I of had the time to finish my project, the proposal itself would've been drawn out around this vibrant rose and I'd come up with some way to get her out there to go out there and see it. It was another hard day, however, and I was barely able to get the rose finished when she had stated she was going to go. I suppose I freaked out, and, not remembering how, managed to convince her to come out to that spot to see what I had drawn. I'll probably never fully know how she felt about it other than her telling me she liked it. And come to think of it, I never got a response back from her. But that's not really the point.
I have been doing whatever I can to help make her days more enjoyable, and do whatever I can to help her feel happy. And for my efforts I've come to have one of the greatest friends I've ever known. She's so true to herself, and never afraid to tell you when you've screwed up. Some people find that scary of her, and even intimidating; I find it admirable. Those are just a few of the traits in which I seem to have caught myself drawn to. I'd write about the others, but I get into trouble for writing long enough posts as it is. As she was getting ready to head off for the night, to get whatever rest she can before she heads off for another day of work, I found myself wanting to say all of these things to her. I even had to catch myself from simply saying "I love you" before she went off. Not for the other occupent who was in the room (though that would've made the situation so much more awkward), but for the one sake that I know not how she feels. I'd like to say that she feels similiar, but I suppose that's wishful thinking. Truth is, I have no idea how she feels about me. Whether she just views me as someone she met online and added to her friends-list for company-sake, the soon possibility of my returning to the northwest and subsequently being able to hang out with her, or something more. I guess it's these things that trouble my mind at this time of the morning, and why I should really be sleeping. I tend to get in trouble for what I write in this journal, and this post will likely be no different. I suppose I just feel better for having some sort of escape from these meddling thoughts. To be about as blunt as I possibly can; Yes, I care for her more than I've cared for any other person. Do I love her more than a friend? Yes, I do, with every essence that is my being. Is it actually love? I don't know if there is ever an answer to this question. I care so greatly for her that I'd be willing to do anything I could to be sure that she has one worry-free day, filled with bliss and happiness.
I've found myself reading some Latin poetry lately, as well as pondering how my views on love differ from those who wrote about it almost 2 millenia ago, and I came across one quote which I think is the best definition of how I view "chance love".
"Cras amet qui numquam amavit quique amavit cras amet." - Pervigilium Veneris
Let he love tomorrow who has never loved, and let he who has loved love tomorrow.
It's quotes like those that inspire me to continue to reach out on my feelings, as limitedly as I am doing so. I hope that one day I will find myself a better position to out-right tell Gwen my feelings towards her. But until then, I continue wondering. And as my MSN quote should say, had I the room: "The hardest kind of love isn't rejection, nor the failed act of loving another. But not knowing if the love you feel for another is shared by that person is perhaps the hardest kind of love a person can ever experience. Doubt is in of itself one of the toughest challenges to a person. To put doubt in with love is both tormenting and painful."
Will be able to see if anyone responds whenever I can get my internet back.
Until then.
-Chris
current mood:  depressed
current music: Ramms+ein - Rosenrot - 06 - Stirb Nicht Vor Mir
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 14th, 2005
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3:08 am - Last, atleast for a while.
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Find it hard anymore to come here and post my thoughts or feelings. I used to do that in the past and it turned into the last thing I wanted it to be, and friends walked way from me over it... maybe forever. So for the past while I've done nothing but post lyrics as a note of some sort, to those that still read, of how I was feeling. Some have cared enough to reply, if any others have cared there's nothing to show for it.
So I leave this as my last lament.
Below is a song that holds true to my heart, a secret code that the few of us gentlemen that are left go by, only someone was brave enough to put it into lyric. It's sad but true that nice guys do finish last. What's sadder, though, is that no one seems to notice or care, and so we are left to straddle behind our feelings, our morals that we hold so dear to us as to believe in the proper definition of love. Some mistake a gentlemen as something else; some even go as far as to call it a sickness or syndrome... I call it being true. There are those of us who believe that love is real: not a fantasy to vanish at the end of a book, not a toy to play with one's emotions, nor a weapon you can use to abuse someone with.
Love is pure and true, it's people that aren't.
I do not blame a singular event in history, but more a gradual decay of kindness and sincerity that leaves us in the world we now live in. I can not count the number of times I've read or heard at how guys in general are all assholes, but have some faith that not all of us are; it's us who suffer for the one's who use love as a toy to get what they want out of a person, then use it as a weapon to destroy them emotionally. I've spent most of my life around women who, in one way or another, have been hurt by someone they cared about and used that as a means to blame the rest of our sex. While I understand the source of this anger, it frustrates us when those who care enough to ask get "you're a guy, what would you know?" as a response. It's true, we may not experience everything you have, and therefor cannot understand fully what happened. But the few gentlemen ask, not for something in return, but because we genuinely care. Yes, there are a lot of men out there who are interested in one thing: your pants. But just because a bird has feathers, it doesn't mean it flies in the same flock. It pains me when my friends are hurt by those seeking something they'd only gain from. More men should realize that there's more to a woman than just a sex object. For f*cks sake, if a woman is willing to do that with you it's more than likely she's doing it because she has feelings for you. It's not because she saw the size of your shoe, the girth of your hand or because you became a black hole and she was drawn to you. If you truly cared for her as much as she does you, you'd kiss her on the forehead and walk yourself to the door. Love isn't about sex, and sex is a far cry from love. Sex isn't a game, you're not the pieces and she's not the prize. Love should be it's own reward, a relationship shouldn't be based upon sex; that kind of foundation is meant to crumble and it's going to cause pain when it falls. Love is the most special thing you can have from a person.
I write all this, not because I'm angry at the actions of those around me, nor as a cry out for people to change; I write all of this as a reminder of hope... as a reminder to me. There is someone I care so deeply for that I can not in good faith tell them. Everyone in one way or another has been hurt by someone else, but she stands as a personal reminder to me that there is always reason to keep searching for happiness... even if that happiness isn't me. I do plan to tell her how I feel, when the situation permits; if time allows. I know I take a huge chance of not telling her how I feel, but I feel for certain that it would cause more problems than are needed right now. I also know that I'm not in a position to act upon my feelings, nor even embrace her as a friend when she needs to be embraced. If she finds a person to hold dear to her heart as I do her, then I will continue being the friend I have, hoping and wishing her nothing but happiness.
It is with these final words that I take my leave. Enjoy the lyrics, as they'll be the last I put up for a long time... if ever again.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
- Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love -
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
You and me, meant to be
Immutable; impossible.
It's destiny, pure lunacy,
Incalculable, insufferable.
But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for.
You're all that I'd dreamed.
Who wouldn't be the one you love?
Who wouldn't stand inside your love?
Protected and the lover of...
A pure soul and beautiful you.
Don't understand, don't feel me now.
I will breathe for the both of us.
Travel the world, traverse the skies.
Your home is here within my heart.
And for the first time
I feel as though I am reborn in my mind,
Recast as child and mystic sage.
Who wouldn't be the one you love?
Who wouldn't stand inside your love?
And for the first time
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound.
In my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind.
You're mine, forever; now.
Who wouldn't be the one you love and live for?
Who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for?
Who wouldn't be the one you love?
current mood: alone
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 10th, 2005
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6:59 am
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Threw you the obvious, and you flew with it on your back.
A name in your recollection down among a million, say:
Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through, to see you naked but oblivious...
and you don't see me.
But I threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind
the eyes of a fallen angel; eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded.
But I see, see through it all, see through...
and I see you.
'Cause I threw you the obvious to see what occurs behind the
eyes of a fallen angel; eyes of a tragedy.
Oh well.. oh well.
Apparently nothing. Apparently nothing at all.
You don't, you don't, you don't see me.
You don't, you don't, you don't see me.
You don't, you don't, you don't see me.
You don't, you don't, you don't see me.
You don't see me, you don't, you don't.
You don't see me... at all.
current mood: sad
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, September 30th, 2005
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7:35 pm
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There’s a shadow just behind me, shrouding every step I take.
Making every promise empty. Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler, who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path of ’must we’, just because the son has come.
Jesus, won’t you fucking whistle?! Something but the past and done.
Jesus, won’t you fucking whistle?! Something but the past and done...
Why can’t we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why can’t we drink forever? I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down.
Mother mary, won’t you whisper?! Something but the past is done.
Mother mary, won’t you whisper?! Something but the past is done...
Why can’t we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why can’t we sleep forever? I just want to start this over.
I...
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
Trust me. Trust me. Trust me! Trust me!! Trust me!!
Why can’t we not be sober. I just want to start things over.
Why can’t we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
current mood:  aggro
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| Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
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5:24 pm - Tempest
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Back home, and nothing happened. Been in sort of a VnV Nation mood for a while, if the lyrics haven't been a clear indication. And I'm really needing a job, and starting to regret quitting at Whataburger. Put in an application at Circle-K here at the corner and hoping good comes from that. Not that anyone really reads this thing anymore. Though I suppose that this is for me more than people reading it. Anyway, here's todays lyrics:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
These are not words, they're only feelings.
There are no sounds that you can hear.
There is no form that you can touch.
There are no colours for you to see.
The only sound is a distant thunder.
A tempest rages so far away from me.
I walked for miles and I started running
towards the sound and storm where you might find me.
Towards the sound and storm where you might find me.
And I ran until I had the feeling
that the Tempest I had heard surrounded me.
Here my heart still so filled with loving
cried out and told of wonders that I feel.
Cried out and told of wonders that I feel.
Here my heart is so filled with loving.
And I tell myself, I keep repeating
that your ways are bringing you to me.
And I tell myself, I keep repeating
that your ways are bringing you to me.
And I tell myself, I keep repeating
that your ways are bringing you to me,
that I will find my true salvation,
that these ways of mine are bringing you to me.
And I will find my true salvation,
that these ways of mine are bringing you to me.
And I tell myself, I keep repeating
that your ways are bringing you to me,
are bringing you to me.
Because here my heart so filled with loving
crying out the wonders that I feel.
Here I will find my true salvation
and my ways are bringing you to me.
And I tell myself, I keep repeating
that your ways are bringing you to me,
are bringing you to me.
current mood:  lonely
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
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7:52 pm - Hurricane time once again...
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I don't know if anyone even bothers to read my LJ anymore, but Rita is now at a catagory 5 hurricane and there's a mandatory evacuation order for where I live. And as Jen reminds me, just look at Katrina; I don't want to be here anymore than she wants me to be here. If I had my choice, I'd fly up and stay with her through all of this. If only that were an option...
Anyway, just thought I'd let everyone know what's going on. Not sure if I'll be able to post from my grandparent's house, or how soon I'd be able to return to my house.. if it's still here afterwards.
-Chris
current mood: Why now?!
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
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11:03 am - Honour
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I haven't slept in 3 days now. I don't know if there's any reason as to why not, but I'll not get into it. Here's some lyrics:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Passive fields. January two thousand and twelve.
A nation that stands alone.
Cold voices, faces pale, gathered unto their judgement day.
Such pride remains unbroken. Such words remain unspoken.
Just mothers to stand in vain and cry.
Tears and medals in the rain.
Shall I recall when justice did prevail?
No reason to be found why reason did fail.
The all clear resounding.
The way was clear to rebuild this land.
Shall I call on you to guide me well,
to see our hopes and dreams fulfilled?
On this day of our ascension.
Stand your ground this is what we are fighting for.
For our spirit and laws and ways.
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.
For heaven or hell we shall not wait.
Shall I think of honour as lies
or lament it's aged slow demise?
Shall I stand as a total stranger/cold reminder
on this day in this stone chamber?
The all clear resounding.
The way was clear to rebuild this land.
Shall I call on you to guide me well.
To see our hopes and dreams fulfilled.
On this day of our ascension, on this day we praise the fallen.
Stand your ground this is what we are fighting for.
For our spirit and laws and ways.
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.
For heaven or hell we shall not wait.
Shall I think of honour as lies
or lament it's aged slow demise?
Shall I stand as a total stranger/cold reminder
on this day in this stone chamber?.
current mood: 3 days awake
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 1st, 2005
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1:45 am - Lowest day...
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I need a drink, I need a cigarette, and I feel like I could pound my fists bloody.
My parent's just got home not that long ago... from a wake. A few days ago a friend of mine, Jason, was hospitalized with heart problems. Unfortunately, he also had another problem which wasn't realized until it was too late; he had leukemia. The medication they gave him for his heart caused complications with his undiagnosed leukemia; he died at 7pm tonight. He was 33 years old. My thoughts and heart go out to his fiancee Heather and his mother Sandy. And if that wasn't enough, the final straw in my parent's marriage broke and they are now looking into getting a divorce. He's threatening to take everything and leave my mom with nothing.
Right now I don't know whether I want scream until my throat cracks up and bleeds, or if I want to cry 'til my eyes get dry. If it wasn't for Jen talking to me on vent right now, I'd probably break down. *sigh* The funeral is expected to be some time next week, and that's when my mom said the divorce would likely happen. And with my grandparents coming down this weekend, all I want to do is pack up and escape; get out of here and find my once peace of mind.
R.I.P Jason
I'll see you some day, but not yet.
-Chris
current mood: confused
current music: Apocalyptica - Nothing Else Matters
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, August 26th, 2005
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5:25 am - Forsaken
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When I have nothing left to feel
When I have nothing left to say
I'll just let this slip away.
I feel these engines power down.
I feel this heart begin to bleed
as I turn this burning page.
Please forgive me if I bleed.
Please forgive me if I breathe.
I have words I need to say.
Oh so very much to say.
And whose life do I lead?
And whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin now do I feel?
I'm supposed to walk away from here.
I'm supposed to walk away from here.
And whose life do I lead?
Whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I now breathe?
I'm convinced there's nothing more.
The day you died I lost my way.
The day you died I lost my mind.
What am I supposed to do?
Is there something more?
The engines power down.
Like a soldier to his end I go.
Because I'm convinced
that there is nothing more.
And whose life do I lead?
And whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin and whose blood do I feel?
What happens now?
Have I done something wrong?
Forgive my need to bleed right now.
Please forgive my need to breathe
But I've so much to say
and it wouldn't matter anyway.
You're not here to hear these words that I must say
and I'm convinced inside
that there is nothing more.
Whose life do I lead?
Whose air do I breathe?
Whose blood do I now bleed?
With whose skin now do I feel?
I have nothing left to say.
I have nothing left to feel.
Am I supposed to let this go now,
let darkness come and take you away?
current mood:  Chatting with Bob...
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 25th, 2005
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7:11 am - Darkangel
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In your dream you see me clear
I have no restraint, no fear
Powerless I watched from faces I'd assumed.
My purpose set. My will defined.
Caress the air. Embrace the skies.
Escape the sorrow and restraint of mortal cities.
Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understand
What posesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.
So many years I stood among
the thoughts and tears of those I served.
Among my own I was alone through my own doing.
All the years I walked unknown behind the faces I assumed.
Powerless to clear your mind of what you'd suffered.
They fall again.
They fall again.
Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understand
What posesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.
There is no faith in which to hide.
Even truth is filled with lies.
Doubting angels fall to walk among the living.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.
I'd only come here seeking peace.
I'd only come here seeking me.
It seems I came to leave.
current mood: distressed
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
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6:44 am - Blast from the past
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| Monday, August 8th, 2005
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4:02 am - kieteku. . .
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ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi yo
kesenai kako mo seoi atte ikou ikiru koto wo nage dasanai de
tsunaida kimi no te wo
itsuka ushinatte shimau no kana
usurete iku egao to kimi wo mamoritai kara
hibiku boku wo yobu koe sae kare
toki ni sou kaze ni kaki kesaretatte
kimi wo mitsuke dasu
ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
mienai mirai ni okoru koto subete ni imi ga aru kara
ima wa sono mama de ii kitto kizukeru toki ga kuru daro
sabikitta hito no you ni
kasanari au dake ga munashikute
hitori de ikite ikerutte itta
arifureta yasashisa kotobajya
ima wa mou todokanai hodo ni kimi wa uzukidasu
tsunai da kimi no te wa nanigenai yasashisa wo motome
Do you remember
itami wo shiru koto de hito ni yasashiku nareru kara
Drive your Life
ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
mienai mirai ni okoru koto subete ni imi ga aru kara
ima wa sono mama de ii kitto kizukeru toki ga kuru daro
How can I see the meaning of life
kieteku you're the only. . .
kowarenai you ni to hanarete iku kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
ima wa by and by mie nakuttatte subete ni imi ga aru kara
kesenai kako mo seoi attekou ikiru koto wo nagedasanai de
You'd better forget everything. Remember. . . your different Life?
You'd better forget everything. Remember. . . modoranai kedo
hizunda kioku no you na toki no naka de itsuka wakari aeru kara
current mood:  indescribable
current music: UVERworld - D-Technolife
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| Thursday, July 14th, 2005
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5:17 am - Quick update
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Got a job (hopefully) at the Black Diamond if I can just get there and fill out the application for official stuff. Should be able to do that by Monday, providing my parent's ever get around to fixing the truck. Actually was told about the job by the wife of the owner, who plays on Lineage and is in the alliance I'm in. My Bladedancer is lvl 50, close coming up on B equipment, and we're working on getting that (in no real rush, have other characters I can work on as well) all set up. Looks like it's Doom Plate Armor Heavy and Dual Nightmare swords. But all of that is secondary and practically null, in my opinion, in comparision to the real close friends I've established there. As far as I'm concerned, they're my family. We all have a strong bond, a closeness, that few people actually develop. With them at my side either in game or outside of game they make me stronger.
I have to recount my blessings each and every day, as the joys of my life continue to grow almost limitlessly. There are events of my past which I am not proud of, events that I am glad to get off of my chest in their entirety, and I was not judged by those events because I was able to share it with someone who shares similiar events with mine. It is for this that I feel a closeness to someone I have never felt before, as if I could say anything and not only not feel nervous about it, but feel as though it's all entirely safe, unjudged, uncharacterized, and know that they're actually listening to what I have to say. Just hope that I am able to be trusted enough that they can confide into me with the same level of listening, understanding, and non-judgement that I have been shown. I am forever and eternally greatful for all that has happened to me, and trust them with every bit that is my being. Sorry for the pronoun game, but you and I know who you are, and that is all that matters to me. ^,^ Thank you, always, for everything.
-Chris
current mood:  Best I've felt in a while
current music: A Perfect Circle - Judith (Renholder Mix)
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| Monday, June 6th, 2005
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5:13 am - Stolen from Bob
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Hourly Distribution of fyrix0's Journal Entries (FULL JOURNAL version)
13 | 5 | 6 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 4 | | 12am | 1am | 2am | 3am | 4am | 5am | 6am | 7am | 8am | 9am | 10am | 11am | 4 | 1 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 6 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 5 | 9 | 9 | | 12pm | 1pm | 2pm | 3pm | 4pm | 5pm | 6pm | 7pm | 8pm | 9pm | 10pm | 11pm |
σ: 3.0455479505075 σ2: 9.2753623188406 Least-Squares Pentic Regression:
-1.6253681526292E-006x5 + 0.0010419063563543x4 + -0.047838358455416x3 + 0.77983410760573x2 + -4.9384294872561x1 + 11.726613616269x0
current mood: dead
current music: Lacuna Coil - Angel's Punishment
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| Monday, May 23rd, 2005
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11:18 pm - Lineage II owns my soul.
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Yeah, since I lost my job at Whataburger, I've pretty much done nothing but play Lineage. Sort of compulsive, but it's so much easier to just do nothing but play the game and talk with Silver and everyone else in the clan. Alex went up this past weekend and hung out with them, and I've been invited to go up with him again later in the summer, hopefully, and hang out with them for a week or two... which would be TOTALLY awesome. I've never been to Victoria, and Silver's only sent me pictures of the landscape which is outrageously beautiful. She and I have been talking a lot, especially last night (talked 'til 5am :P), and the more we talk about moving in together, the more excited we get about it. She's been looking at houses online, Alex has been looking at the immigration laws for Canada, and I've been... off in my own world.
I was rummaging around in the office earlier and came across a sketch diary I used to draw in, though the work isn't exactly the greatest pieces of art, it definately reminds me of what my life was like long ago. But one of the things I came across... the map of Ravin I drew. Complete with names of the towns, landmarks, everything. This brings me to hope that somewhere is the journal I kept with the drawing of my ideas for a complete Ravin world, it's peoples, town layouts, all of it. So after Silver logged off for a bit to take a bit of a nap and relax her back, I sat in my room, meaning to finish reading this book (which, it seems, I'm destined to never finish), and started watching M. Night Shalaman's "The Village", which wasn't as good as the book, and in my opinion lacked a true ending, but it got me thinking... If I come across my journal, what would I do with all of it? I mean, Joey and I had planned on making our own MUD. Though it was more his creation than mine, a lot of the town elements and ideas were my own. And now that I have this map, and will hopefully find my journal (or journals, if I remember correctly) of all the info I wanted to use, might I restart my original idea for Ravin and make a book series out of it? I've always loved fantasy as a theme, and I blame AA for that. But now that I've started to expand my reading and read more books, I've been longing to use my creativity and start writing my own series. So if I do indeed find that journal, or decide to start everything anew with fresher details, maybe I'll sit behind this computer and just start typing. We'll see what comes of it. (Maybe something I can publish in Victoria?)
But not to sway from the nerdiness that is the core of my nature, I've found my old playstation in one of the boxes and will probably find something to occupy my time. Though I doubt that I'll do so given my current involvement with Lineage. Which, if I might add, has been going rather smoothly. Well, there's been a few rough edges with alliance politics, but that's not for me to talk about. My character is currently lvl 36.69 (36 with 69% to next level), and the clan has made life after 40 just that much easier. Yes, I already have my c-grade eq. I've tried to argue with Silver that other people (*cough* Like Silver herself) are in more of a need for things than I am. But we gathered the materials and at lvl 32, the weapons were made. And just yesterday, Silver supprised me by wearing the newly crafted armour that's been destined for me to wear after I go BladeDancer. Everything, of course and without arguement, belongs to the clan. For without them, I couldn't be anywhere near the level I am so quickly, nor already have my next-grade eq. My current armour will go back to the clan for the next person who is in need of it. *sigh* The clan has become a second family, and I imagine that life in Victoria would be no different.
Now, if I could only stop playing Lineage long enough to finish the application process for my next job. It's there waiting for me, I just have to redo the paperwork 'cause some numbnuts lost it. Need a job if I'm to move to Victoria. ;)
Oh well, enough for now. Hopefully Silver'll log on soon. Otherwise, she's probably out cold and I'll go off to do the same.
-Chris
(Writer? Player of games? Nah, flat out nerd)
current mood:  creative
current music: Intro to Conan O'Brien
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| Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
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12:52 am - No Subject
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Where has it all gone?
Have all of the words escaped?
Inspiration on demand
Emotions all displaced
'And I will wander endlessly
Seeking all the answers that I let slip
through my fingers.
I will wander endlessly
Seeking all the answers that
I let slip and fall away.'
Turn it all around
It melts into sound
(unfolding... ever growing)
Torn from my rest
Though I still fight to stay.
The images dissolve
As the day invades
A second to react
The mind too slow to act
(unfolding... ever growing)
A bishop starts to know
The secret dreams man hope
(unfolding... ever growing)
Drown the voices of restraint
Make them choke to silence
Incinerate the ropes
And embrace the hope
(unfolding... ever growing)
Splintering the doors
Free the mind to soar
(unfolding... ever growing)
Turn it all around
It melts into sound
current mood:  sick
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